Uncle Sam
Ain’t Released Me Yet
Memoirs of a REMF
Copyright© 2016 by
Robert B. Martin, IV
All Rights Reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by
any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or by any
information storage and retrieval system, without express written permission
from the copyright owner, except for the use of brief quotations in a book
review or scholarly journal. I have attempted to recreate events, locales, and
conversations from my memories of them.
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“Is this a god-damned army or a mental
hospital? Jesus Christ! What happened?”
………..General
Creighton Abrams, Commanding General, Military Assistance Command Vietnam, 1971
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INTRODUCTION
“Politicians hide themselves away. They only
started the war. Why should they go out into a fight?
……..Black
Sabbath, War
Pigs, from the album Paranoid, 1970
This is a
memoir of my one year, seven months, and three days spent as a reluctant,
though proud, member of the U.S. Army during the Vietnam War. Or, as we
measured time in Vietnam, for five hundred and eighty (580) days. Of those five
hundred and eighty (580) days in the Army, four hundred and four (404) were
spent in the Republic of South Vietnam. Time wasn’t measured in weeks, months
or years in Vietnam. It was counted one
day at a time because every day in Vietnam was someone’s last no matter his job
or assignment. You would be just as dead whether it came from an aimed bullet or
from a random piece of shrapnel in the field or in a “safe” rear area.
Although I
was inducted into the U.S. Army in 1969, I will set the stage for the reader by
beginning my story in 1989, twenty years after my tour of duty in Vietnam. This
is when I was diagnosed with “moderate to severe clinical depression” and what
is commonly called “Survivor’s Guilt.” Although friends and relatives may have
noticed earlier, 1989 was the year I first began to realize that my life had
been greatly affected by Vietnam. That is when I decided to try and remember
(and understand) as much as possible about that period of my life and the war
so many of us were sent to fight. Up until that time, my goal had been to
forget as much about Vietnam as possible.
I began
writing this memoir as a form of self-therapy and after a few years realized
that I was also writing this for my family. I have never talked at length with
my wife or two children about my time and experiences in the Army and I thought
that by putting them in writing it might help them to better understand why I
seemed to have shut them out of my life during the previous twenty years. Realizing
that my experiences were not unique, I decided to make my story available to
others.
Every few
months over the twenty-five years spent writing this book I would open the
manuscript, add a few words or pages, make a few changes, and save it on my
computer. At first I saved it on a 5.25-inch floppy disk and after a few years
was forced to transfer it to the newer 3-inch floppy disk. Now I keep it on my
laptop’s hard drive AND an external hard drive AND in the “cloud.” Times have
changed in many ways.
Writing this
memoir has not been easy and I had a very difficult time completing it. I may
never have completed it had it not been for the copious notes I made when I
first began the project. From my original notes - plus letters, descriptions and dates written on the backs of photos, and conversations with a couple of old
comrades - I was able to cobble together a decent accounting of those days so
long ago. Where possible, I have placed events in chronological order,
otherwise I have placed them where they best fit.
I am not a
professional writer. I researched “how to write a book or memoir” on the Internet
and found a staggering number of articles on the topic. I also researched
writing conventions and the formatting of books. However, I was not attempting
to write a bestseller so I finally said to hell with it. I would just write the
way I talk.
There are
a lot of facts in this manuscript and where possible I have included
appropriate references. There are still many without citations but I don’t
really care whether or not you believe every fact mentioned in this memoir. If
you do feel that anything I have written is untrue, then please write me and
let me know. I’m not saying I will change anything, but feel free to write if
it will make you feel better.
You will
have to pardon the occasional vulgarity used in this memoir, but it was common language
among those of us who served in Vietnam. I was a REMF, a Rear Echelon Mother
Fucker, in Vietnam. Not a term of endearment, it refers to the fact that I
spent most of my tour in the relative safety of the rear area as a
clerk-typist. I didn’t ask for the job. It embarrassed me to tell people I was
a clerk-typist. When I was drafted, I was a practicing hospital pharmacist with
seventeen years of education, just short of 25-years old, and with a pregnant
wife. After receiving my draft notice I enlisted with the hope of getting a
better “deal.” I was lied to by a recruiter who told me I could attend Field
Artillery (FA) Officer Candidate School (OCS) and then receive a branch
transfer to the Medical Service Corps as a Pharmacy Officer. I was trained in
field artillery as a Fire Direction Control Specialist in preparation for FA
OCS. However, I received an "invitation" to Infantry OCS, which I declined. I
was then sent to Vietnam as a Fire Direction Control Specialist. I was assigned to
the 101st Airborne Division where I was told my skills were needed
elsewhere. I was to become the Headquarters Battery Clerk of the 2/11th
FA because of a skill learned in the tenth grade. I could type. Apparently it
was a rare and highly sought after talent in Vietnam.
You will
undoubtedly notice that I tend to be somewhat cynical, sardonic, and sarcastic
(I looked all three up and still don’t know the subtle differences among them).
I suppose my behavior is also somewhat passive-aggressive. This memoir recalls
events with humor, seriousness, sadness, happiness, excitement, boredom,
apathy, and probably other descriptors. I just call it what it is.
I will be posting the entire book, a chapter at a time, in this blog. If you miss a chapter, check the blog archives.
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Chapter
1
My Life Changes
“It’s
not forgetting that heals. It’s remembering.” ...........Amy Greene
Something
happened to me on a hot July Saturday afternoon in Denton, Texas in 1989. Something
that made me want to remember as much of my experience in the Vietnam War as
possible. It had been twenty years almost to the day since I had first set foot
on South Vietnamese soil. During those twenty years I had forgotten a
significant portion of this important period in my life. I was unable to
remember the names of people with whom I had closely lived for most of my 404
days as a U.S. soldier in the Republic of South Vietnam. Later I would realize
that I was subconsciously blocking out many of these memories. However, it was
still six more years before a psychiatrist diagnosed me with “moderate to
severe clinical depression” and prescribed my first antidepressant.
There is a
veritable witch’s brew of possible reasons that my depression is related to
Vietnam, but it was not the result of any terrible wartime experience. Even
though the world was going mad all around me, I was never physically injured.
During my service in Vietnam I was almost always in a relatively safe area. I
was assigned to the Headquarters Battery of a field artillery battalion. The
Field Artillery is one of the Army’s “Combat Arms,” but I was never required to
go out into the “boonies,” except for the occasional jaunt driving the Battery
Commander or First Sergeant to locations outside of the camp’s perimeter.
That’s not to say that I was never in any danger. Just being there seemed to be
dangerous enough.
Whatever
the cause or causes of my depression, the results began to effect my life and
personal relationships in the years after Vietnam. In response, I poured most
of my time, energy, and attention into my career. When I got home at night
there was only a shell left for the people in my life. Something had to change.
If not for me, then for my family.
On that
hot July Saturday in Denton, as a result of much urging from my wife, Carol
Ann, I attended a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) seminar sponsored by
the DEROS Foundation in Denton, TX. DEROS is a military acronym for “Date
Eligible for Return from OverSeas”, or simply the day one was scheduled to
leave the ‘Nam for the World (what we
called home). The DEROS Foundation was formed as a support organization for
Vietnam veterans suffering from PTSD. I was ready to admit that perhaps Vietnam
might bear at least a portion of the blame for the strain on my personal
relationships. However, I was not, and had never been, much of a believer in a
lot of “psychological bullshit,” even
though I had already spent some time several years earlier visiting a marriage
counselor to keep peace in the family. I would eventually admit that some
benefit had resulted from those counseling sessions but I still didn’t like the
idea. I stopped the sessions when I thought I had been in counseling “long
enough” to satisfy Carol Ann.
Anyway,
back to that Saturday in Denton. We were living in Coppell, TX, which was no
more than a thirty-minute drive from Denton, so I attended the PTSD seminar by
myself. I would estimate there were somewhere close to fifty Vietnam veterans
in attendance but I didn’t feel like mingling or making small talk before the
seminar began. I found a seat near the back of the room and quietly waited. The
speakers were mostly local mental health workers with a vet or two tossed in to
describe what they had been through since Vietnam and how the DEROS Foundation
had helped them. But one speaker, the "headliner," was a syndicated
columnist who had spent a little time in Vietnam near the end of the war. She
wasn’t what you would call a war correspondent. I’m not even sure that she ever
saw or heard any part of the actual war. As a matter of fact, I have since
discovered that a significant number of vets thought she was attempting to
capitalize on having “passed through” Vietnam. But it didn’t matter how much
time she had or had not spent in or near the war. What mattered was what she
had written. Her name was Laura Palmer and her new book was named “Shrapnel in
the Heart,” published by Vintage Books. This book is a collection of letters
and remembrances from friends and families of service members whose names are
engraved on the Vietnam Memorial, or “The
Wall.” I had not read the book but I had made my “pilgrimage” to the Wall
several years previously.
To be continued in Chapter 2, The Pilgrimage....
1 comment :
Interesting perspective. Looking forward to Chapter 2
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